Parting Is Not Always Sorrow

This entry is only slightly related to our upcoming adoption. As we worked to make room in our house for more children, many items got moved to a small storage room connected to our house. That storage room became over-filled, and we were faced with the need to purge items.

Two days ago, I made some of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. You might feel like I’m being a bit over-dramatic when I tell what these decisions had to do with, but if you’ve ever taught in a classroom, you will understand just how difficult these decisions can be.
 

You see, I said good-bye to every piece of paper, every manipulative, every storage bin, every idea book related to my five years as a kindergarten teacher. This was no small task. I spent several hours this past Saturday opening up three large bins, twelve smaller bins, two boxes of books, and three file boxes—all filled with a year’s worth of teaching supplies on the kindergarten level. These items have been sitting in my storage room for the past three years with hardly any use. When we started homeschooling, there was no need for all the worksheets, thematic bins, and large group lessons.

I was actually quite proud of myself as I went through each piece of paper, recalling hundreds of lessons. I had notes from parents, some good and some not so pleasant. I had a journal I had kept during my first year of teaching. I had pictures of students from 2004, when I had my first class (oh, how I loved that first year!). I didn’t cry once, but I did feel the pain as many items went straight to recycling and others went to a bin to be donated. It took many years to collect these items—some of them were collected when I was teaching preschool many years ago. It took just a few hours to part with them.

When I was finished, I was left with two full large bins, ten empty small bins, two boxes of books, and two bags full of Mailbox Magazines to give to a kindergarten teacher at our local public school. We took the donation to her today, and she was very appreciative of the gift. I was happy to see new life breathed into these items and also happy to have freed up much space in my house.

This doesn’t mean I will never teach professionally again. But as I intend to homeschool my children through high school, I don’t see myself returning to it for quite some time. Most of my collected items will be obsolete by then, with new ideas and trends taking over. I might as well let the old items go, to live a little longer in someone else’s classroom.

WARNING: Poor Analogy to Follow

“Take heed, keep on the alert; for you do not know when the appointed time will come. It is like a man away on a journey, who upon leaving his house and putting his slaves in charge, assigning to each one his task, also commanded the doorkeeper to stay on the alert. Therefore, be on the alert—for you do not know when the master of the house is coming, whether in the evening, at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or in the morning— in case he should come suddenly and find you asleep. What I say to you I say to all, ‘Be on the alert!’”  Mark 13:33-37 (NAS)

            I am very aware that this passage is talking about the Christian’s readiness for the second coming of Christ, but I see a lot of parallels between this and our adoption. In just the first verse, we are reminded that “you do not know when the appointed time will come”. Adoptions work completely to the opposite of pregnancies in this regard. With a pregnancy, you are given a “due date”—in my case more of a rough estimate—and you can begin planning with that date in mind. With an adoption, you are basically waiting on papers to be pushed, agencies to coordinate, the stars and planets to align, etc. There is no “due date” given. It’s really just wait for the phone call. That wait can be the most frustrating, heart-wrenching thing you do.

            We are also reminded FOUR times in this passage to “be on (keep on, stay on) the alert.” Continuing my poor analogy, this means for me that Trey and I must learn all we can about international adoptions, make needed changes to our home (see the previous blog), get copious amounts of paperwork pulled together, and pray like crazy. We can never just sit back and wait for the phone call. We must be busy every day preparing for the additions to our family. To refrain from doing so demonstrates a carelessness so tragic, so selfish, that I haven’t the words to express it.

            So no matter how frustrating and heart-wrenching the wait becomes, we press forward. We continue to prepare our home and our hearts. We find things to do in the expectation that the call WILL come, even though we don’t know when. And I am reminded that I must also do the same as I wait for Christ’s return.

Preparations

I have seen many friends walk through the process of adoption. Each family had to make adjustments to their houses in advance of welcoming a new member. These adjustments range from purchasing a new bed to purchasing a larger vehicle. There are not any families in my circle of friends who have adopted a sibling group, so I have little to which to compare our own preparations. However, as I look back over the last two months, we have made some SERIOUS changes around here.

For those of you who don’t know, my family lives in Vermont, where my husband is a church planting pastor as well as a full-time IT team member for our local school system. We have two children. We homeschool. We live in a 1400 square foot home that was built in 1830. We have ONE bathroom.

The closet after the wall and old plaster were removed.

When our adoption is complete, we will have 5 children. Two boys and three girls with ages spread from 6 years to 14 years. I currently have three bedrooms and an office in my home. We knew we wanted the three girls to share a room as they are all pretty close in age. We also knew that this would require the largest room in the house—our master bedroom. So began phase one—moving all of our daughter’s furniture out of her room and into our room and moving all of our furniture into her room. At the same time, demo started on the closet in the master bedroom. Many closets in these old New England houses were simply afterthoughts, stealing a bit of square footage from the room to put in a wall that runs the length of the room. This produces a closet where you can really only see the clothes that are closest to the door. The rest hide in darkness.

The closet after new sheetrock was hung and mudded.

So we blew out the entire wall. I’m so thankful for a husband who reminds me of Neo in “The Matrix”. He can watch a Youtube video and know exactly what to do from demolition to hanging sheetrock. Within two weeks, we were able to create a new closet system that would work for 3 girls who are on the cusp of the teenage years. We also painted the room lavender. A set of bunk beds was given to us. I hit Kohl’s and got a tremendous amount of bedding for 50% off with a 15% off coupon!

Then we turned our attention to our Jeep. It seats 5. This wasn’t going to work for a family that would have seven members. So we traded it in for a 7-seater van. The cash register that lives in my head was really starting to go off at this point, but every bit of money needed was provided.
 

Next was the project of turning an office into a bedroom. Our church had recently moved into a storefront property in the heart of our town which left the other building empty. A perfect place for an office! So we moved two bookcases, several boxes of books, and a desk out of my house and into the old church building. We were once again given a loft bed. We are still getting this room ready, but in the next week, there will be a fresh coat of paint and a new dresser in that room, all ready to welcome our oldest son.

In the midst of all this came the need to reconfigure the homeschooling space. I had my own little classroom set up in what traditionally served as a dining room in this house. I knew I couldn’t put 5 children in that room and keep my sanity. So I took over my kitchen. We purchased a bench to increase seating at our kitchen table and I moved most of the homeschooling supplies into the kitchen. The old homeschooling room is now used for the two computers that our children will use to complete some assignments. Again, I’m thankful for my “Neo-like” husband who can build computers from scrap parts.

The funniest thing about all of these changes is where all the adult clothes have ended up. As we moved into our daughter’s old room, we were given a “closet” that is really nothing more than a hole in the wall. Just enough room for my jeans, pants, and Trey’s dressier suits that he never wears up here. The remaining clothes are in drawers in our son’s closet, in a storage bin under our armoire, on a PVC pipe-created rack, and in the nightstand next to our bed.

Now about that ONE bathroom…

Are We There Yet?

Yes, it’s been over seven months since my last blog update. That’s not to say that there hasn’t been anything going on; it’s just so hard to wait when things seem so close.

In the past few months, we have been earning our hours of study through webinars and book reading. We have also inquired about several sibling groups on the waiting child list through our adoption agency. In early April we inquired about a sibling group of three. After what seemed like the longest week ever, this sibling group was placed “on hold” for us. This is different from a referral because we are still waiting for ICAB (Inter-Country Adoption Board) in the Philippines to review and accept our dossier…the same dossier we sent to them seven months ago.

I can’t say much due to confidentiality requirements at this stage of the process. I can say that this is an older sibling group. One boy and two girls. I can also say that they are all beautiful! There were many things that drew us to these children, things that I will get into later when we have an official referral and a court date is set. For the time being, we continue to pray for these precious children who have been waiting for a forever family for quite some time.

Having a child or children “on hold” basically means that no other set of parents can pursue the adoption process with them unless we back off on our desires. We do not see this happening. We still have to wait for ICAB to even approve us, so in the extremely remote chance they do not accept our dossier, the children will go back on the waiting list.

When our dossier is reviewed and approved the children go from being “on hold” to being a “referral”. This part of the process should move relatively quickly as we have already said we would pursue adopting them once our dossier passed ICAB. Then a court date is set, plane tickets are purchased, and…off we go!

Sounds all very lovely, doesn’t it? However, my heart has been aching since we first set eyes on the sibling group’s pictures. These children are mine in heart, and every day they are not here with our family is another day they grow older, another day we are not making memories with them, and another day they spend in an institution.

I am asking all of you who read this to pray. Pray that ICAB will see fit to process our dossier quickly. Pray that God will work out all the details to come. Pray that we will be able to fund the remainder of adoption costs. Pray especially for my patience through all of this. Pray for our children who are waiting in the Philippines, who do not know that there is a family in Vermont who already loves them very much and who cannot wait to be under the same roof with them.

We thank you for your prayers and continued support.

Moving Forward

For most of today I went through the motions with a nagging ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. We were expecting one last piece of paper that would be the final piece needed for our dossier to be complete. I can tell you that when I saw that envelope in our mailbox and called Trey at work to let him know it had arrived, it was like telling him that labor pains had started.

A quick text back from him stated that he would be leaving his office in 15 minutes and would be coming home. We knew we had to run a fine toothed comb through everything to make sure this growing mass of paperwork was absolutely perfect before it was sent. As I went through the papers for what had to be 53rd time, there were a few questions that popped up. What if the notary seal wasn't prominent enough on one page? Did the copies of our last three years' income tax returns need signatures on every page? Did our case worker have a page that was missing? Did we need to sign that?

 

Four hours after my initial call to Trey all our questions were answered and 3 additional copies of the dossier were made. After taking a couple of pictures of what had wrapped up the last five months of our lives, Trey bolted to the post office. And it was done. Sent. In the hands of the Bethany office, and ultimately the hands of the Philippines agency.

 

We do not know how long we will wait before we get a referral. We have been told that it could be between six to twelve months before a match is made. We have also been told that referrals involving sibling groups happen more quickly. I would love for this to be the case.

 

As soon as the packet was in the mail, I felt the pit in my stomach slowly ease away. I could suddenly think about something other than the dossier...like the pile of dishes in my sink! And for those of you who are interested in what the dossier included, here's the short list:

• marriage license
• birth certificates for both of us
• 8-12 pictures of our family and house
• psychological evaluations for both of us (this was a 3-month process by itself!)
• police clearance for both of us
• clearance through the Department of Homeland Security (about a 2 1/2 month process)
• autobiographies for both of us (mine was 22 pages!)
• copies of last three years' tax returns
• Risks of international adoption--four pages detailing what could go wrong along the way. You sign it saying that the agency won't be blamed if these things occur
• 3 reference letters from friends
• 1 reference letter from church
• 2 reference letters from both of Trey's jobs
• medical evaluations (about a month of tests, shots, interviews)
• checklist of special needs you will consider
• personal information sheet (4 pages long, and by this point, I'm pretty sure they have all the answers anyway)
• guardianship letter from those we have chosen to take care of our children should both of us die
• Adoption services contract

Every piece of paper had to be notarized in the proper way and sent to us unfolded. It's no wonder it's all we talked about for the greater part of this past summer!

 

Thank you to all of you who have prayed for us and with us. Thank you to those who have provided letters and who have watched our children so we could drive many miles to get things signed and notarized. I cannot tell you how good it feels to have reached this milestone!!!

Taking a Break

If it were left to us, we would continue working at the pace to which we’ve become accustomed and never leave time for rest. Rest seems so contrary to what we do. In church planting, as with most ministerial occupations, you are “on call” at all hours of the day. You made the commitment to minister to those God brings along your path regardless of your personal level of fatigue. To leave in the midst of a busy summer to take a break with the family almost carries with it a feeling of guilt. So that must mean it’s not something we are supposed to do, right?

Wrong. I don’t have to break down all the verses in the Bible that address the necessity of rest and our correct handling of rest. God calls us to rest just as He calls us to work. Logically, how can we be fit for service without periods of rest? Sometimes this rest is forced, like when we are sick and must stay in bed. Other times, He makes it obvious that it is a time of rest when He provides so clearly for it.

This is what happened to us. God used two sets of people who have never met to provide us with a family vacation. The first group handled three nights in hotels for us in the Boston and Sturbridge areas of Massachusetts. The second couple provided the funds to explore these areas without having to worry about the effects on our personal budget. So our family took the first "touristy" vacation we’ve ever had alone to do things we’ve never done before. (Trips to visit family don’t qualify as “vacations”.)

I cannot express how humbled I’ve been by this entire experience. God continued to provide for us as the trip progressed with little add-ons like a gas card given to us for our return trip home.

And now that we are back…it’s time to get back to work!

Slowly...Making...Progress

I sometimes feel like the Little Engine That Could. With each step of this adoption, I find myself saying, "I think I can...I think I can...I think I can..." I can't wait until the moment on the other side of the hill when I can change that to "I knew I could...I knew I could...I knew I could..."

We know that nothing can be accomplished for God's glory without Him being in it. It is no less true for this adoption. We can look at the financial bottom line and say, "There's no way." Trust me, we've had plenty of moments to be tempted with this thinking. However, we are viewing this time as an opportunity to have our faith increased. We wait with anticipation to see how He will bring it all to pass. In the meantime, we are still faithfully completing paperwork and doing what we can to secure necessary funds. We are so thankful for those who have already visited our coffee storefront and made purchases. Every little bit helps!

If you don't know about Just Love Coffee, you can read more about it in our earlier blog entry, "Drink Coffee...Support Adoption". Through this organization we are able to raise support for the many costs associated with international adoption. By going to our storefront located at www.justlovecoffee.com/thecates, you can place orders for coffee. For each bag that is sold through our storefront (you have to make sure it's ours, so type the address in as stated) we receive $5.00 to go towards our adoption costs.

The biggest thing we were able to cross off our dossier list this week was the I-800a. This vital piece of paperwork will basically allow us to immigrate our to-be-children back to the United States. It takes about 8 weeks to hear back from them, so we must be patient in the meantime. This is not an attribute I am known for.

Please continue to pray for our family through this adoption journey.